the birthday blues

[Een stukje over jarig zijn - in eerste instantie geschreven onder een foto op instagram en later nog wat verder uitgebreid. Excuses voor het Engels - ik had geen zin in vertalen. Blame it on the Birthday Blues.]

With the approach of my birthday I usually get a bit emotional. Actually, 'a bit' would be quite an understatement - 'very much' would probably be more accurate. Last year I got emotional emotional because I was turning 18, which was supposedly a big deal. I would officially be an adult. Things would get serious. I had to fill out forms and get stuff done and take care of my insurance. It was time to grow up and be responsible. I felt like the fun was over, even though I had skipped all the fun. I had spent my childhood crying and being depressed and I started my 19th year doing the exact same thing. I was afraid to eat my birthday cake because I was still being bullied by my pesky eating disorder. I felt miserable and hopeless.

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During the year that followed, however, I learned a lot and I had a lot of fun. I was also insanely depressed at times and felt terrible and hopeless - in short: like everything, the year had its ups and downs. It wasn't the end of the world. It was pretty much like any other year. And though I KNOW that this next year will probably be exactly that - pretty much like any other year - I cannot help but fear what is to come. I still have so much weighing me down. I'm entering my 20th year on this globe that calls itself earth and I'm still nowhere near where I would like to be. I haven't found my inner careless child or my peace or my happiness. And I know that no one really knows it all or feels completely careless. I know that not feeling okay is okay and that heaps of people don't. I just can't help but envy the people around me who spent their teenage years partying and not worrying and spending their money on useless things and eating crap and chilling around (even though that doesn't even sound like that much fun - I would just like to experience that careless mindset. You know. Being able to blame it on an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex). Not worrying about school or grades or depression. Not going to psychologists, psychiatrists. Not spending their days in hospitals and mental institutions. Not crying and panicking about their future (or panicking in general). This probably sounds terribly exaggerated - and I am aware that I actually experienced lots of beautiful things as well. I am aware that there are heaps of other people suffering as well. I am aware that I am not alone in this. It just sucks, sometimes, you know. To not be normal. I like being different. I like being abnormal. But every once in a blue moon I do wish to be painfully plain, dull and average. It would be so simple. So delightfully simple to be average. 

Over the last couple of months, however, I have been conciously realising what went right instead of what went wrong. I found an awareness of the importance of this learning process. This journey. To be honest: as I'm writing this, I realise that this next year will be a new opportunity to learn. And I'm grateful for that. I must try to let that awareness guide me, pull me through whatever I have yet to face. Self-loathing and self-pity won't get me where I want to be. In the end: all we have is now. Filling that now with negativity and dark, depressing thoughts won't do much good, I reckon. I will never be happy unless I try. So I will just do that. Try. And grasp every opportunity to learn and grow. I may not have had the careless childhood I wanted, I may not have the life I dreamt of, but I have now and despite all my worries and the battles I fight, now is pretty wonderful. Now is the sun that caresses my cheeks. Now is the luke warm spring breeze that plays with my hair. Now is warm and bright. Now is good. Cheers!

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(my birthday is march 26th - just so you know. no need for congratulations yet!)